What happened with wanting to stay single? part two

Five months, I've lasted five months with the clear determination of remaining single.  Until fate struck: My American friend Rob, who 17 years ago introduced me to the man that changed my life forever,  got stuck in London for six days instead of a few hours due to the closure of Heathrow.
One cold morning, as we talked about the failure of my past relationship, he turned on his laptop and opened in front of me, the window to a world that I had heard of, but that I had never even felt the curiosity to see. The world of internet dating.

"Me Rob? are you crazy? " I said. To me internet dating was something that only desperate people use. If I have had  problems in my life, meeting men was never one of them. So, surely I would be the last person to want to expose myself in public in order to meet a man!
We surfed together for a good hour. He showed me a few of the women he had actually dated in NY. I was surprised to hear that in NY one third of all marriages happen as a result of internet dating.  There were very pretty and interesting girls on his site. I was also surprised to see that.
Anyhow, I refused to join and waved good bye to my lovely New Yorker. Feeling so sure about having taken the right decision...
And I chanted on New Years eve. I asked for truly important transcendental favors like: Please God, help me to be a good devotee. Please God, help me to be truthful in my heart.  Open the roads for me to become a really good yoga teacher. Oh, dear God! Help me to live a more modest life. Help me to forget about L.K Bennett dresses that seem to fit me so well.  Help me God to stop being such a hottie (those are the words of my ex boyfriend, not mine really). And so on, and so on...

Second of January. Cold. Real cold. The boiler is broken again. My teenage girls are doing their own thing and I am only happy under my duvet. Read a chapter of the Githa. Read part of the yoga Sutras. Visited the fridge a few times. Tamsin did not get walked. Back into bed. The laptop and me. Me and my laptop...Match.com. dot...Hoooked!

I remember going for lunch at my in law's that afternoon right after having become a member. I asked my brother in law to take a picture of me. I told him that it was for my profile.  At the time I felt too ashamed to say for which profile!! I did not say, it is actually for SeluGotier...my match.com nickname.
And so from that day onwards my spiritual life went doooooooooooooooonwn hill veeery veery fast.  A month later, I am happy to declare that I am having it back. Slowly but surely.

Stupidly I linked my mobile to the site. This meant that whenever someone viewed, winkened or wrote to me, I would know straight away. The first ten days were exhilarating, addictive, beyond exciting! This enormous sea full of men wanting to make contact with me! Where were they? How come they don't do any yoga? Why are there so many women looking for men when they are all here? Available.  Winking right left and center!!

And I saw the numbers raising....and raising.  After 1000 I stopped counting the views and in fact I blocked the link to my phone.  After 200, I stopped counting the winks. From every 10 winks, perhaps two were not scary, or disappointing. The nice ones went into my private list of favorites. I made myself unavailable as I had already quite a big stash of men that I wanted to meet. Many more that what I could possibly handle!

For those who know nothing about this cybernetic sociological phenomenon, these sites have been designed in such a way that you can store different lists: Who has added me in his favorites. Who has winked at me, who I have winked at, my list of favorites, my list of e mails... It even gives you an option where you can add the men you do not want to see again!! (quite useful this one I must say!).

What fun! What a game! What an amazing thing, to have all these lives in a fish tank... Ooooooppps! I realized, I was a fish in it too!

On the tenth day I finally decided to accept a date. A version of Ralph Fiennes was waiting for me in a nice restaurant. He, simply beautiful. Charming, intelligent, cultured, perfectly fragile. But,...half way through the meal he confessed that he smoked.

Silence...

- Occasionally, he said, as my face must have transformed.  And with this, he got up and planted a beautiful kiss on my lips.  Fireworks exploded! The world stopped and I forgot all about his vice. We walked for hours holding hands and kissing like teenagers in different corners of Belgravia.

       That night I tossed and turned, my skin still tingling, preserving the memory of his kisses. But discrimination inundated me very suddenly. I realized that I could not be with a man that smoked. And I realized that he smoked more than occasionally... And so I ended up this magical dream with a nice e-mail. I won't bore you with anything else about this exquisite fellow... but after a week we stopped seeing each other.
      You might think I am stupid for stopping a relationship with such a perfect match just because he smoked. But these things never come alone. Someone who is attached to an external thing like a cigarette, is someone who does not know how to control his stress, his feelings. Soon I realized his DAILY passion for good wine, coffee, restaurants and a life too full to think of another. A perfect bachelor. In my eyes, a forever beguiling bachelor.

From the top of the roller coster I dived deep and fast to the bottom.

I hit the shops trying to find cheerfulness inside new shoes. Knowing that happiness is never outside the self. Still, shoes and underwear seemed like a nice option to me at the time. And of course, I still had this list, this confusingly long and attractive list of men who wanted to meet me. There was hope still in my world...